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WARNING: Stories on this site may contain mature language and situations, and may be inappropriate for readers under the age of 18.

WRAP YER WEASEL, SON by Clitoris Rex
March 19, 2007  Humorous,Short stories   Tags:   

Ask anybody out here, they will tell you that I bring in money. Steadily. Godzilla could be wrecking shop around here stepping on buildings and shit, and I’d have him hitting me up for trim and blow on a Saturday night. I work. This is what I do.

I have to look at my assets, play the hand I’m dealt. So when my two main bitches caught a bite, I didn’t think it meant they had to stop working. There’s some fucked up people out there bro. You name it, it’s out there. I knew of one dude who would show up with his own novocaine and busted ass dental equipment. For real, shit was rusty and crusted with old blood. He’d have the girls hit him up with novocaine and fucking rip his teeth out while he jerked off. Once he ran out of teeth I never saw him again. Shit was wild, but you see my point, there’s a market for all kinds of shit…including people who want to fuck zombies.

Who knows why they wanted it, doesn’t matter, even when things were bad, I’d have these twitchy motherfuckers trading me food and old cell phones and shit to get at one of my Zombitches…that’s what I called them. I know the name sucks, but I’m not advertising pro. I’m more like a “Fuck you, pay me” type of pro.

I had them there, chained up like whoa. Sometimes I would have them gagged, but some of the johns liked the gag off, so they could have that zombitch gnashing and snapping and howling at them while they got fucked. Sometimes I wondered if the girls could feel it, if they liked it, through those dirty eyes, did they know what was happening? Sometimes they moaned louder, but I think that was because they had a meal right there, literally inside of them, and they couldn’t have it.

If they did get at them though, I was ready. The catch was that I would have to be there, right there in the room when they did it. If they got bit, I would wax them right then and there, no questions asked.

It actually worked better for me after they turned, because before, the girls were all, “I need to eat, I need to get my nails done, my kids need a babysitter” all that shit. Now, they just lay around, chained up, making that money, all profit.

No blowjobs though, that became a law after I saw this one dude go for it like it was a good idea. I think the danger is part of the turn on for these guys, but putting your unit in the mouth of a G bitch? You might as well be sticking your dick in a blender. You can guess how that one ended….my girl getting a snack and my gun getting some work.

Condoms too, those were a rule. Unless you were fuckin’ stupid. Who knew what type of fucked up ass STDs a zombie bitch would have.

What can I say? This war was good for business. Pimpin zombies definitely ain’t easy, but it’s definitely easier than pimping regular bitches.


  1. You are seriously fucked up. The story was great tho. There was one similar to that in Mondo Zombo but yours was just as well written!

    Comment by Fool on July 19, 2007 @ 4:48 pm

  2. Disgusting, sick, perverted. And on of the best stories I’ve read on line all year. The sad part is I actually thought of this premise, and dismissed it from my thoughts as just too rank. Although I doubt that I could have delivered the way Clitoris Rex’s pimp does. As a matter of fact the cruel colloquial tone of Rex’s pimp is what the story really goes on. The black comedy of the street dialogue makes the reader grin and shake his or her head at the downright depravity of it all. Like all of Rex’s stories, it’s just very clever. He’s a fine writer and there’s just not much advice I can give him. But if I were him, and writing stories this good, I’d use my real name.

    Comment by Tom Hamilton on August 11, 2007 @ 9:31 pm

  3. Wow I really appreciate it.
    The warm bodies are waaaaaaay more fucked up and depraved than the cold ones.

    Comment by Clitoris Rex on August 20, 2007 @ 2:33 pm

  4. There are perverts for anything, and people to take advantage of those perverts. This certainly would happen in the event of an outbreak of a Zombie Plague, only Rex had the guts to write about it. Better than the other Clitoris Rex shorts I’ve read – this one has a point to it.

    Comment by Jimmyboy on January 29, 2008 @ 6:53 am

  5. There’s a subculture among gay men called “bug hunters.” These guys seek out unprotected sex with HIV-infected men. Supposedly the thrill of being so close to death is a turn on. So yeah, there’s no doubt in my mind that if zombies were real, there would be people who would fetishize them and seek to have sex with them.

    Comment by cs on August 2, 2008 @ 1:25 am

  6. I thought it was a great story, insightful, not perverted! What IS perverted — stuff like the TV series or movies that push the idea that women really, really just love being prostitutes or call girls, having sex with disgusting ucky balding, hairy, & I’m betting not so concerned about their personal hygiene, literally “dirty old men” or middle-aged farts, for money or shelter or some psychological shit, whatever– like the Showtime latest new series “Diary of a Call Girl”, which pissed ME off becuz it took a terrific actress who plays on Sci Fi’s “Dr. WHO, & casts her as a stupid Call Girl.

    Even sicker perverted, IMO? The way all the sucky Entertainment TV shows like “Inside Edition” etc., “Tonite Show”, etc., & even so-called actual “News” T.V. shows, which have both male and FEMALE reporters who specialize in “Celebrity” Interviews, all GUSHING over some old, living “CORPSICLE”: such as: Hugh Hefner, flaccid old bag of wrinkled flesh, like they actually want TV Viewers to believe him having not just one, but three “Girlfriends”, young enough to be his GRAND-Daughters yet, is somehow “COOL” & “HIP”??? Jeezus H. now that makes a FEMALE want to barf, seriously! Other “Corpsicles”: CNN’s Larry King, who’s on his SEVENTH wife? And we even have a Presidential Candidate, Sen. John McCain, who’s a “Corpsicle” with a 25 yrs. younger “Trophy” wife. Well, except in his case she’s the one with the Millions.

    Zombie “Bitches” are nothing compared to how perverted and creepy “real life” can be.

    Comment by AtomicWarBaby on August 4, 2008 @ 3:10 pm

  7. I lol’d. And I loved it.

    Comment by Anathe on September 11, 2008 @ 2:51 pm

  8. After reading this one the wife found me roflmao out of my head 4 a while.


    Comment by mark on June 6, 2009 @ 2:06 am

  9. very nice, whats the rate?

    Comment by mmmmmadobo on October 19, 2009 @ 1:09 pm

  10. Wow! This reminds me of the neighbor in “Fido” who had the zombie maid/girlfriend. Cool story.

    Comment by Cherry Darling on November 24, 2009 @ 2:46 pm

  11. Hehee…one has to wonder how this new pimpin’style would affect the hip-hop scene…

    Comment by Hightower on December 20, 2009 @ 10:19 pm

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