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September 30, 2009  Humorous   

Transcript from Late Night Live with Phillip Ross, Radio National

February 28, 2019

Phillip Ross: Good evening listeners and welcome to Late Night Live, I’m your host Phillip Ross. This evening I’m pleased to introduce a leading academic in the field of Zombie research: Roman Weisz, Associate Professor of Life-Challenged Ethics at Harvard’s school of Sociology

Prof. Weisz: Thank you for having me Phillip.

PR: Latest research indicates that we may be on the verge of developing a vaccine that curbs the aggressive tendencies within zombie mice. There are now calls to begin experiments on human zombies. What are your views on this?

Prof. Weisz: If I could firstly correct you on one thing Phillip, the term “zombie” is pejorative, a hangover from old B grade horror movies if you will. We’d prefer to see the term “life-challenged” come into common use. You see, if we continually use derogatory terms when referring to this significant sub-section of our society, we only re-enforce the stereotyping that led to the hysterical mass violence of the early days of the pandemic.

PR:  Well in all fairness Professor Weisz, the fact that the zombies, I mean the life-challenged, were attacking everything that moved led to the mass violence to begin with.

Prof. Weisz: Yes, yes. But we are projecting human rationality upon the life-challenged: They attack for the same reason a shark or a lion attacks, it is pure instinct. And as with wild animals, we must learn to co-exist rather than slaughter them.

PR: And this vaccine would aid in co-existence?

Prof. Weisz: Ah, now this is the crux of the matter Phillip. Do we as living humans have the ethical right to modify the natural behaviour of what is in effect an entirely new species? Let us remember, the life-challenged actually redefine the boundaries between life and death. Take the Gerald experiment for example…

PR: For those listeners who are not familiar, Gerald is a zombie (sorry) kept by the Sociology department at Harvard.

Prof. Weisz: Yes, and we can clearly see behaviour patterns, instincts and maybe even the ability to adapt in Gerald. He may not be the smartest of creatures, but he is still completely alive in every sense, except of course medically.

PR: We’ve seen videos of him eating pigeons…

Prof Weisz: Only the ones that fly into his pen

PR: He also pulled the head off a PhD student…

Prof Weisz: He was only following his instinct. We as intelligent humans should be able to modify our behaviour so as not allow Gerald the opportunity to act upon his baser impulses.

PR: As I remember it, the student was in the library reading the periodicals.

Prof Weisz: Yes, precisely Phillip! A library; a man-made structure, designed by the living for the living. What forethought has been put into the design of this building for the modern era? How can we possibly hope to co-exist with the life-challenged when our entire society continues to be so life-centric?

PR: There were calls for Gerald to be put down after this incident.

Prof Weisz: Again, small minded mob-mentality from what can only be described as the redneck elements amongst the living. Really, what has Gerald done wrong? We only judge him like a human because he has the outward appearance of one. I say let’s accept the life-challenged for what they are and learn to embrace them within the fabric of society. After all, why should we kill them when their only crime is being dead?

PR: One of the key proponents for ending the Gerald experiment was your colleague, Dr Carmen Wheeler.

Prof. Weisz: Ah yes, poor Carmen

PR: Can you tell me about her?

Prof. Weisz: Well Carmen was inspired by the Koko experiments

PR: The Gorilla that was given a pet cat?

Prof. Weisz: That’s right. Carmen sought to replicate it, to see if she could discover a nurturing instinct within Gerald. She started off with plush toy cats, but that wasn’t much good as Gerald ate the first two, and then completely ignored the third one. However, he obviously learned that they were not edible which I think shows a remarkable leap in cognisance.

PR: And then she introduced a real sedated cat, how did that go?

Prof. Weisz: Pretty well, at first. Gerald ignored the cat whilst it slept, showing that he had made the connection that toy cats did not equal food. And when faced with a sleeping live cat, he did not see it as a food source.

PR: And when the cat woke up?

Prof. Weisz: Unfortunately Gerald ate it. Then he went back and ate the last of the toy cats that was in his pen.

PR: Dr Wheeler then called for the experiment to end and for Gerald to be euthanized.

Prof Weisz: Yes. Sadly that very evening she had a nasty accident. Somehow she must have fallen into Gerald’s pen.

PR: If I remember rightly there were all sorts of conspiracy theories about it, she must have got through a guarded security door, a padlocked outer cage and then over an twelve foot wire fence into the pen.

Prof Weisz: Really Phillip, the police investigation found that there was no cover up, just a tragic case of misadventure. This is the sort of question I have to put up with on “Sixty Minutes”, not a highbrow show like yours!

PR: And finally, as it’s almost time for the news, do you have any concluding comments?

Prof Weisz: We living have absolutely nothing to fear from the life-challenged if we can understand their behaviour patterns. By interacting with the life-challenged in a controlled manner I believe we can live along side them or even integrate them into society. For example, I have recently taken to walking Gerald in public in a brace and muzzle, much the same way one would walk a large, aggressive dog. In fact, he’s in the waiting room with his minder Bill. Bill, why don’t you bring Gerald into the studio?

PR: I’m not sure that would be effective, this is a radio broadcast after all

Prof Weisz: Nonsense Phillip, the more we interact with the life-challenged the more the walls of prejudice are broken down. Bill, bring in Gerald. Bill, where’s his muzzle?? Bill, hold him back, hold him back he’s got an arm loose….Bill? BILL!!! GERRRRAAAAAAAAALLLLLLDDDD…………..


  1. Good story but if it was real, I would have shot Prof Weisz a long time ago. 🙂

    Comment by Rick on September 30, 2009 @ 3:18 pm

  2. I love this story, it genuinely made me laugh at the monitor.

    PR: And when the cat woke up?

    Prof. Weisz: Unfortunately Gerald ate it. Then he went back and ate the last of the toy cats that was in his pen.

    It reminds me of the end of Sean of the Dead when they have the gameshow with the Zombies.

    I mean life challenged for goodness sake. Shoot em in the head and be done with it.

    More comedy please!

    Comment by Pete Bevan on September 30, 2009 @ 3:26 pm

  3. Dude, I can just imagine the look on Phil’s face as he hears that the zombie’s INSIDE his studio. Also, if I was Phil, I’d be more forceful with my opinions.

    Weisz: it’s a completely new race that we must learn to co-exist with.

    Me:… Doctor, they actively hunt us in an effort to infect us. I don’t care if that’s just ‘instinct,’ they’re a threat to society at large.

    Comment by Liam on September 30, 2009 @ 11:02 pm

  4. A wonderful tale for our times.

    Comment by Joe McCullough on October 1, 2009 @ 8:14 am

  5. Witty, and a bit of commentary as well, no? Well done.

    Comment by alices on October 1, 2009 @ 2:00 pm

  6. very well written,kind of reminds me of the democrats wanting political correctness no matter what the cost.

    Comment by brian parmeter on October 1, 2009 @ 8:22 pm

  7. really interesting to read, but if a zombie apocalypse occured and some dude said its not the “life-challenged”s fault, i probably woulda shot him. LOL

    Comment by zombie515 on October 1, 2009 @ 11:55 pm

  8. Nice Job!! Brian Pameter, my thoughts exactly!!

    Comment by jimdandy on October 2, 2009 @ 2:56 pm

  9. Wow, political Correctness at its finest. Good Satire.

    Comment by itor66 on October 12, 2009 @ 5:14 pm

  10. Anti-semitism in the zombie apocalypse anyone? Notice the politically correct butt of the joke has a typically jewish name whilst the sensible commentator is 100% Anglo???
    Way to go with the stereotyping, dude.

    Comment by ricardo on October 18, 2009 @ 10:41 pm

  11. Hi Guys,

    Thanks for your comments and I’m glad you enjoyed my little post-apocalytic satire.

    Ricardo, wow…I chose the name “Weisz” for the protagonist as a play on the word “wise”, which the character clearly is not (it’s a comedy after all…) However, I sincerely apologise if any reader views this as an attempt to cast a racial aspersion, which is not my intention.


    Peter Mohammed Hung-Li Muralithuran McCarthy

    Comment by Peter McCarthy on October 18, 2009 @ 11:11 pm

  12. all right ricardo last time i checked weisz is also a german name so cut the PC shit and stop acting like mind police.

    however the story was rightously cool.

    Comment by greg on November 7, 2009 @ 9:41 am

  13. I loved this story. I realize this was meant to be funny (it was hilarious), but I have no doubt that a world in which zombies walked the earth would be a world with at least one Prof Weisz.

    Comment by Dan on December 4, 2009 @ 1:35 pm

  14. I agree, this was a great story. Man, Weisz… What a bonehead, eh? Jesus, you’d think he’d have been one of the first ones to be eaten.

    Comment by Liam Perry on December 16, 2009 @ 8:25 pm

  15. Just fantastic, I was in stitches. I love the PC view on the Zombies. Sorry, Life-challenged.

    Comment by ScottB on May 31, 2010 @ 3:05 pm

  16. This story might seem funny to some, but I think there is something much much deep that can be taken out of this story. Now a days everything is about political correctness, and there is all sort of ppl that have very distorted vies of reality by fallowing this behaivor. You are not retarded, you are mentally challenged or special, you are not ugly or stupid, you are not a total weirdo just different and mis-understood…

    Comment by Yamil on March 27, 2013 @ 1:07 pm

  17. I loved this one! It takes a humorous approach to a far darker question- which is what would happen if some humans refused to let go of their lost loved ones, now undead?
    And what if they refused to acknowledge what their lost loved ones had now become?

    Comment by Craig Y on March 27, 2013 @ 7:14 pm

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