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WARNING: Stories on this site may contain mature language and situations, and may be inappropriate for readers under the age of 18.

DEADLY COMMUTE by William Robinson
February 1, 2010  Short stories   Tags: ,   

Waking at 6.00am Daniel usually struggled to open his eyes, but this morning he felt fresh. Last night had been a nightmare. Trying new tactics had worked well at first but soon his small band of fighters had been split up and went down like rookies. Daniel was the last man left to fight off the incoming horde and the adrenalin got him through the first few kills but there were too many. Just before he was wiped out though the server went down and X-Box Live was out for the rest of the evening. As a result he’d had an early night and with tomorrow being Good Friday he looked forward to meeting up with his friends in the pub after work and a long weekend.

The rushing water of the shower brought back memories of odd dreams. He remembered the wail of emergency vehicles and what sounded like moaning. Moans and groans were something that his bed hadn’t seen in a while, but by the time he was down for a quick breakfast the dreams had slipped back into his sub-consciousness. Grabbing some juice while he burnt his toast, Daniel ironed his shirt for the morning and put on his suit. A few minute later he was halfway down the hill to the train station, i-pod blaring and head down. As he approached the station he began to notice how quiet it was, though it wasn’t a busy road he hadn’t seen a car go past. Almost on queue he had to jump back as a 4×4 came screeching out of a driveway packed with what looked like camping gear, parents, their two kids and a family dog. ‘Must be hoping to miss the morning traffic’ Daniel thought. The car went at a manic pace down the road and over the tracks before disappearing in the distance. I-pod off now, Daniel wondered if there had been an accident on the main road and it had been blocked off, which would explain the lack of cars. Passing an old people’s home just before the station there was an unusual amount of activity. A group of nurses and the sprightliest residents were nailing boards over the ground floor windows and doors. ‘Seems a bit harsh’, Daniel joked to himself, ‘I wonder if they are keeping them in or the rest of us out!’

Stepping onto the station platform it was unusually quiet. Being a small town station with only two platforms it was never busy but there were usually at least fifteen people waiting for the 6.45 fast train to the city, at the moment there was only half a dozen. After waiting five minutes he looked at his watch and cursed the train for being late again. The information board was on the blink so he didn’t know how long the delay was going to be. Yet another twenty minutes later there was still no train and no announcement. Even for regular commuters, a species that likes to keep itself to itself, it was too much and as if some unknown power grabbed hold of each of them they all turned and trundled into the ticket office to find out what was going on. The booth was closed. This was strange because even if the station manager was ill they would have sent a temp in to answer questions and sell tickets in case the machine was out of order. The commuters looked at one another and weighed up their options, before any of them took the actual step of talking, they heard a train in the distance and they all visibly relaxed and dispersed out on to the platform.

The train pulled in with perhaps a third of the regular passengers on board. Daniel even treated himself to a seat for a change. As the train moved away the driver apologised over the tannoy for the late running which was due to multiple signal failures. It mattered little now, there was only one more stop before the capital, in about thirty five minutes. Daniel sat back and relaxed.

It didn’t last long though. Less than ten minutes later other passengers had started talking to one another in blatant disregard to what came natural to all commuters, ignoring everybody. Daniel noticed they had started gathering at the windows on his left side and looked out at the blur of passing scenery. When there were gaps in the trees he started to see what had got people’s attention. In one field he could see a jogger running along a path followed by a mob of perhaps twenty five people. Before he could digest this his eyes flicked to one of several plumes of smoke rising as they passed through a town. He could see a fire engine still flashing but stopped on a high street with two hoses spraying wildly across the road with not one person in the vicinity. The train had become quiet. No one chatted, just stared out of the windows, minds racing to come up with explanations for the odd scenes that popped up in front of them as they flew through the towns edging closer to the sprawling suburbs of the city.

Moving through the last isolated town, a pattern emerged of people dotted on roof tops. Some in small groups, others on their own, the roof people peered over edges as if looking for something, a ripple of nervousness spread through out the carriage. Someone suggested the idea that perhaps a tsunami was coming and people were moving to high ground. An older man in an expensive looking suit and bowler hat said,

“Would have to be a hell of a wave, we must be hundred miles from the nearest shore.”

This didn’t make any one feel better but no one offered up a better reason.

“Look riots!” a young guy in a pin stripe suit said a couple of minutes later, looking out the opposite window. A group of flats marked the edge of the capital and the train had slowed slightly as it went through more built up areas.

“That’s not like any riots I’ve seen” someone commented almost under their breath. A group of well over a hundred people shambled through a small park and had begun to surround and file into a tall block of flats. Glimpses of people running along balconies and leaning out of windows could be seen. Before it went out of view those on the train saw a couple of people fall from some of the highest floors. Once on the ground they could see many of those in the crowd move over and engulf the fallen, as if to help.

“What could have been behind the people who jumped to make them leap out like that? I couldn’t see a fire”, an air-hostess thought aloud, nobody replied.

Well into the urban area now, things were getting worse outside. The ever changing view in front of the boxed in travellers had stuck with chaos as a theme. Overturned cars blocked roads, people emerged from wreckages looking half dead and silent or screamed wildly as people moved towards them as they scrambled to pull themselves away. Daniel noticed that the people he saw fell into two categories. Those that ran, looking terrified and those that moved slowly usually in crowds, as if they had all the time in the world. Sobs could now be heard among his fellow travellers as death became more prominent in their sight. The train slowed down even more as they would be there in about ten minutes.

A woman’s scream at the end of the carriage pulled everyone’s attention from the window, that was until they followed her gaze. A group of maybe six kids, none of whom looked older than 12, were being cornered up against some fencing surrounding a school playground by a mixture of adults and youngsters. A couple had managed to climb the fence and were trying to help the other kids up, but it was too late. The crowd were upon them dragging them down, the kids on the inside looked out through the fence reaching to the two now on the other side. From the train they could not hear them, but the fear and agony was etched on their faces as hands and mouths descended ripping them apart. Daniel stared in disbelief, mind blank he continued to stare at the same spot in the window though it had passed.

The air in the carriage was filled with a mixture of profanity and calls to Jesus and his immediate family. Some people had started freaking out or throwing up. Most sat down and rocked, eyes closed. Daniel was considering these options as he saw a running battle between several armed police and more of those…packs. This one was mostly made up of anti-war protestors who had organised a rally that day, some still dragged their banners behind them. Their mouths were all open as if they were speaking in unison, but they were not cheering and the police fired randomly towards them. As Daniel lost sight of them he saw a smaller group advancing on the police from behind.

The guy with the bowler hat had started banging on the driver’s door, shouting to get her attention. The door opened and the driver’s quizzical expression dropped as she felt the panic in the air.

“I’m sorry we are going to be late sir, but I am going as fast as I can.”

“Fuck that”, replied Bowler, “Haven’t you seen what’s going on out there! People are eating each other, they’ve turned mad.”

“Errr…” the driver looked around for support, waiting for someone to drag the man away apologising about him missing his medication, but no one said anything, they just stared, some blocking their views of the windows, tears streaming down their faces.

“I’m sure there is some sort of explanation…” The driver was cut off by thuds coming from the front of the train. Daniel, the driver and Bowler ran in to see dozens of people wandering across the rails as the trains took them one by one. The driver slammed on the breaks and started pressing the horn to warn everyone on the tracks to get out of the way. They all turned to the train but expression didn’t change even for the ones that they ploughed right through. One had become stuck to the font of the train and began hauling itself up to the window. The driver began yelling “Sorry!” and “Hold on!” as the train slowed. She reached round through the side window to see if she could grab the guy and help him. As he did the guy’s head turned and bit down on the driver’s hand, taking a chunk out of her wrist. The driver retracted her hand pretty quickly in response as Daniel pushed the accelerator lever back up hard. The guy on the window chewed on the flesh like a chicken strip and then began banging his head into the window creating bloody splinters in the glass. The three of them all took a step back as a hole appeared and the head came through, Daniel grabbed an umbrella from the corner and shoved it hard into the skull, the man fell limp off the train and underneath it.

The air-hostess from the carriage had found a first aid kit and began wrapping up the driver’s wrist to stop the bleeding. She sat in first class with her head between her legs trying to control her breathing. Through the pain, without looking up, she said,

“The train, ease back on the lever, you don’t want us crashing into the station do you?”

Bowler went back to the controls and after a few seconds they could all feel the train slow to a steady pace. The pin stripe suit walked into first class,

“What the fuck was that?”

“I don’t know,” replied Daniel.

“I’ve been getting no answer on the radio since before the last stop,” said the driver, “can’t get a signal on my phone either, so we can’t change track directions. We either stop the train or pull into the station.”

“I’m thinking station” Bowler said, “There are loads of those lunatics still out there.”

About 15 people from the back two carriages had by now piled into the front one. Everyone wanted to know what was happening. Daniel stood on a chair and shouted out the facts; the driver was hurt but they should be arriving in the city in about two minutes. He left out about the mental guy on the windscreen.

A young guy in a hooded top came forward,

“We had a fat guy in our carriage in the back die with a heart attack about 5 minutes ago.”

The air-hostess stood up,

“I’ll check it out, the driver has passed out from blood loss but I think she’ll be okay.”

She stepped through the crowd and as Daniel watched her leave he noticed everyone else was still looking at him. Not sure what to say he improvised,

“I think the best thing we can do is stop on the bridge just outside the station. Hopefully it will be a quiet spot and we can plan our next move.”

Bowler stepped out of the driver’s room,

“Bad news, I think there are a few bodies now stuck under the train, the breaks aren’t working. I’ve taken the acceleration right down, but I think the rest is out of our hands.”

Another wave of panic swept through the carriage. Now in the middle of the capital the windows were mostly filled with brick work and small back gardens with the odd church spire and office block. ‘Great’ though Daniel, ‘I’m on a run away train in crazy town’. They were now travelling slowly as they crossed the bridge over the River Ache. They all turned in silence and looked out. The sun was still rising and bathed the city in a warm glow. The morning mist was still hanging on, supplemented by smoke from large scale fires. Daniel’s eyes followed the arc of a pigeon as it flew over parliament and into the distance. A large airplane had crashed, devastating the old city. It didn’t look real. Everything that had looked familiar now looked like a disaster movie.

They crossed over the bridge and under the city, an automated message came over the tannoy,

“We are now arriving at your destination, thank you for travelling with City Hill Rail. This train terminates here, all change.”

The tunnel leading into the station was silent and black. They waited with bated breath for what and who would greet them. Suddenly the air-hostess came running back into the carriage,

“The guy who had the heart attack, he is up but when I got closer he tried to attack me! I managed to get away because he doesn’t seem to be able to work the doors between the carriages!”

The driver’s eyes slowly opened and she rose from her seat just as the automated message came on one last time,

“There may be a short delay before the doors open, please mind the gap.”

Daniel turned as the driver reached out to him, he made to grab her shoulders to give support, as he did he noticed there was something wrong with the look on her face. Just then the train bumped to a halt as it came to the end of the line. Everyone standing fell forward, the driver flew further than most though and on going through the still open doors into her cabin she impaled herself onto the umbrella still sat on the controls. As it passed through her back and exited out her stomach the friction caused it to open, revealing it to be a souvenir of a holiday to Pala. Any hint of a tan was faded though as she pushed himself up of the controls and attempted to walk back through the door only to be rebuffed by the open umbrella and narrow entrance. The passengers struggled to their feet and froze one by one watching the driver bouncing off the doorway, falling backwards, recovering and then repeating the procedure, the slack jawed mouth and lifeless eyes unchanging, a low moan constantly coming from somewhere deep inside her.

No one moved to help not understanding what was happening but some instinct telling them that the driver was now dangerous. The train doors slid open revealing the world as it now stood, or shuffled, to the passengers, and in turn revealing the passengers to the world. Their platform appeared empty, underground now half of the lights were either not working or turned off. A few trash cans had been turned over and some bags were left dotted around but besides that there was no sign of the chaos they had viewed on their journey. A few individuals on other platforms could be seen moping about but that was all. That was until the Heart-Attack guy made his appearance. A few people had stepped cautiously off the train and had seen him lumbering along. He had left his end carriage and was making his way the length of the platform to the open doors at the front of the train. People pressed the close buttons frantically but as this was the last stop, that was not an option.

“There was an over-ride switch, I saw it among the controls”, piped up Bowler.

He and Daniel realised they were going to have to tackle the driver somehow.

“I don’t suppose you have an arsenal of weapons in that suitcase?” Bowler asked pointing at Daniel’s bag he had unconsciously brought up with him from his seat.

“Yeah, just so happens I’m a gun runner and this is your lucky day. No! Unless we can take her down with paper cuts, I’m all out.”

They began scrabbling round, but first class offered up little except for a rolled up newspaper. The guy in the hoodie from the rear carriage stepped forward,

“I don’t want to be a cliché, but I have a 6 inch blade that might help.”

He pulled out a kitchen knife, that whilst sharp did not instil much confidence.

“You guys grab this bitch’s arms and I’ll shut her up.”

Daniel and Bowler were able to grab an arm a piece and hold them inside the carriage safe from the gnashing teeth as its head was trapped with the rest of the body in the front cabin. Hoodie didn’t flinch, whilst the driver was distracted, he grabbed a handful of the woman’s hair, held her head back and was halfway though sawing through the windpipe before Daniel and Bowler knew what was happening. The moaning became a muffled whisper as the knife went through the throat and took out both jugulars and arteries. The driver hardly struggled now, Daniel and Bowler couldn’t look as Hoodie butchered away, now only the spinal cord remaining. The knife stubbornly refused to finish the job, so instead Hoodie snapped the head quickly forwards then backwards, so hard it actually became separated and fell into what now ceased to be the driver’s room, the driver herself now slumped only held up by her arms. They were quickly let go as Hoodie stepped backwards, a smile on his face. Bowler gingerly stepped over the body and head pressing down on the door control shutting them before Heart-Attack guy could get to their carriage. Daniel turned and looked at Hoodie as he cleaned the knife on the driver’s uniform, unsure of what to say.

“What?” Hoodie said, “It’s a fucking zombie, innit. What did you want me to do? Negotiate with her?”

Between the three of them they shoved the driver into front seat, head back between her legs,

“Sorry Karen”, said Daniel looking at her name badge

They turned to face the rest of the train who were now distracted by Heart-Attack. He had his head pressed against the carriage’s windows, eyes wide open moving up and down the carriage staring at the contents, much like he probably used to at the window of Krispy Kreme.

“I think we are going to need a bigger knife.” said Daniel.

“I think we need to start moving again,” replied Bowler, “Look over there”.

Daniel then saw just under a dozen, what he now accepted to be zombies, as so eloquently put by Hoodie, rounding the platform corner, perhaps attracted by Heart-Attack’s continuous moan. They looked like a mixture of cleaners, shop workers and ticket inspectors, some clearly injured with severe wounds whilst others had no visible marks. The three of them looked down the train at about 20 faces, some looking for guidance, some for a way out, all panicked. Bowler stood forward,

“We need to move, maybe my hooded friend here is right and we are facing some sort of zombie attack, but we can discuss that later, right now the longer we stay here the more of those things we will attract.”

“I need to get home, to my babies, they need me!”

A lady began panicking just in front of them as the extent of the situation began to dawn on her. She began to start pressing the exit button, which had been turned off. When this didn’t work she started slapping her hands on the glass screaming to be let out. Heart-Attack came straight over and stood right in front of her on the platform, spit drooling out of his open mouth. The Air-Hostess came over and managed to lead her away and sit her back down with some soothing words. Hoodie began to speak,

“Everybody grab what you can to use as a weapon, those bitch zombies are shit-ass slow and we can take them out with ease.”

Though not sure if the people on the train were fighting fit and up for an apocalyptic battle, Daniel thought any weapons they could get their hands on right now would probably come in handy. He managed to pull the umbrella out of the driver with a literally gut wrenching sound. Bowler grabbed the emergency hammer used to break the train’s glass in a power failure. After a couple of minutes most people had something, but it was pretty desperate, weapons ranged from a crutch, a fire extinguisher, a pair of scissors and one woman was brandishing her stilettos with what she hoped would be killer heels.

“They are slow and we can probably move round them, only use your weapons if absolutely necessary and don’t get caught in a fight, keep moving.” Daniel said to everyone.

He hoped his pretence of confidence may rub off on him and the rest of the group. Nobody paid attention as the woman who screamed about her babies made her way back to the door, she managed to pull the emergency handle and rushed out. People shouted at her to come back but she didn’t flinch at she just about dodged around Heart-Attack who spun round and lumbered after her. The train stood hushed willing her escape as they had a preview of what they were about to face. She stopped in front of the larger group of zombies who were starting to block off the end of the platform and weighed her options. The moan of the shambling crown increased as she moved to the far left, shuffling in between the platform edge and grabbing hands. As she dodged one hand she lost her footing falling backwards to the electrified rails but was momentarily saved as another hand grabbed a handful of hair and pulled her back up, she let out a terrified cry as she went out of view and the zombie group fell over one another to get to her, at least two falling off the platform in the process.

The passengers had little time to think about the scene though. Heart-Attack had realised he was going to be too late for the hors d’oeuvres and had turned back round to go straight for the main course. The train panicked and started pushing down the carriage to get away. They were filtering into the next carriage as Heart-Attack came onto the train and his frame blocked any exit as he moved down the aisle. Hoodie looked at his knife and the prospect of having to take him on by himself in a cramped space was not appealing as he, Daniel and Bowler were in the rear of the retreat. Once they were all in the next carriage the automatic door closed behind them and they felt safe for a moment knowing that Heart-Attack no longer had the wits to press the button to open the door. Still they had to make a move, the longer they left it the more zombies that would approach and the less time they would have to make a plan. Daniel shouted for them all to move along one more to the last carriage which they duly did as a little calm restored.

“Okay”, Daniel said again as he attempted to rally the motley troops, “I know this is a nightmare scenario, but we have to focus. Let’s just get through the next few minutes. They are slow and we out number them about 2 to 1. Everybody get a partner.”

Daniel opened up the carriage doors with the emergency lever and they filtered on to the platform. The zombies were now 30 yards away but were slowly closing the gap.

“In a line people!” shouted Daniel. He started to feel like an officer in the First World War leading his men over the top. A line of sorts soon formed behind him.

“They have blocked our escape so it is either us or them. Choose your targets and work in pairs. Try to keep them at arms length, we have seen what they can do when they get close, and aim for the head, we know they are vulnerable their thanks to… sorry I don’t know your name?”

“Virgil” Hoodie replied.

“Mine’s Daniel, a pleasure to meet you.”

They shook hands and the adrenalin began to run through him as a look of determination spread though them all. He lifted the umbrella in his hand, the moment was slightly ruined by the fact that it sprang open, a la Mary Poppins, but he soon popped it closed and pointed it menacingly at the encroaching enemy. He let out a war cry that rose in volume as it was joined by first the living bodies on the platform and then the moan of the dead ones. He led them forward on a jog. Weapons held aloft the men and women, ranging from mid-twenties to mid-sixties, nearly all of them suited, bared their teeth to match their foes. Someone let off a fire extinguisher and a mist surrounded the platform as the weapons came crashing down and the noise of battle rose.


  1. Well done! Leaves me itching for more. I’d love to see how Daniel and his “troops” fare beyond the train station.

    Comment by Rick on February 1, 2010 @ 11:12 am

  2. “Fawlty Towers” meets “Dawn of the Dead” I really hope people would be this intelligent in response- I know to some it may seem like they were dreadfully slow in figuring it out, but coming from a standing start- a worldview that doesn’t include animated corpses with a hunger for human flesh- this seems pretty realistic.

    Comment by Tim McFadden on February 1, 2010 @ 11:22 am

  3. Awesome! keep writing Will!

    Comment by the dude on February 1, 2010 @ 11:27 am

  4. good start to hopefully a very epic tale. I’m hoping to start writing one of my own, about how did it take you to finish this one?

    Comment by Hazzard on February 1, 2010 @ 11:59 am

  5. I’m guessing this great story was written by one very bored commuter!

    I loved the first paragraph, nicely turned around without mentioning the actual game 🙂 and a clever literary turn to boot.

    It genuinely made me laugh about four times while reading it, but ‘Killer Heels’ was the best.

    This is right up there with the best on here and plays solidly to the genre.

    Its gonna be a long wait until the next one, and can I also say the British contingent is staying very strong on here……….

    Comment by Pete Bevan on February 1, 2010 @ 2:13 pm

  6. A great effort, kept my interest from first paragraph to end line.

    Several genuinely funny moments, I concur with the comment at the bottom about ‘Killer heals’, great stuff.

    I can only hope Daniel and his group of assasins fought the good fight and took a few of the walking dead out with them.

    Comment by Zach Ombie on February 1, 2010 @ 2:51 pm

  7. Excellent, one of the best short stories I’ve read, but I would like to see what happens next.

    Comment by Joey Joe Joe Junior on February 1, 2010 @ 3:17 pm

  8. WOW what a gripping story would love to know how it ended.. love the stereotyping the hoodie with the knife lol… keep up the good work william 8~}

    Comment by pigpen on February 1, 2010 @ 3:29 pm

  9. Very kitch and a lot of fun. Great stuff! What happens next?

    Comment by Clare on February 1, 2010 @ 3:33 pm

  10. Nail biting story and love the names (bowler / Heart attack / Hoodie)
    Cant wait to hear your next story

    Comment by Nick on February 1, 2010 @ 3:40 pm

  11. Nice work, look forwards to seeing chapter 2!

    Comment by Jeaniest on February 1, 2010 @ 10:34 pm

  12. great story, and am i the only one that sees the Left 4 Dead stuff in here, intentional or not? I mean, a guy with a hoodie and a fat guy. Well, i guess it’s not important, just thought i’d point that out. This is a freat story. I WANT MORE!!!!

    Comment by michael B. on February 1, 2010 @ 11:19 pm

  13. Utterly fantastic, you have to keep going.

    Comment by Joe from Philly on February 2, 2010 @ 9:56 am

  14. “Moans and groans were something that his bed hadn’t seen in a while” HA HA. I loved it man. I thought you captured the modern detached lifestyle well. Xbox goes down so its time for bed. It’s stories like these that scare me into checking the news several times a day and just before I go to bed! My paranoia knows no bounds. Would love to see a sequel.

    Comment by Chris on February 2, 2010 @ 1:27 pm

  15. lol i agree with micheal i saw the left 4 dead scnerio in there. great story loved it cant wait to see what happens next by far this is the best storie ive seen on here so far

    Comment by dakota on February 2, 2010 @ 5:31 pm

  16. Loved it, keep it up!

    Comment by kineo on February 2, 2010 @ 5:46 pm

  17. I really enjoyed this story. Beginning to end, it was entertaining.

    I like the “obliviousness” of the characters. It’s quiet, but they even notice. Until they are inconvenienced, they world could come to an end and they wouldn’t know it. Oh, wait, that’s what happened! Great way to tall a Zombie story!

    Work on some sentence structure and grammar/word usage. Patch up those few simple errors and your writing will really take off!

    Keep it up. I, too, want to see what happens next.

    Comment by cdugger on February 3, 2010 @ 6:45 am

  18. Thank you for all your generous comments, they are enough to warm the cockles of a zombie’s heart!

    Hazzard: It took about a week to get a rough draft and another week to clear it up.

    Pete Bevan: A comment from you! I am honoured, and you are right it filled in the time of a very boring commute.

    I am a Left 4 Dead fan, but except for a passing reference at the beginning, it did not intentionally affect the rest of the story. With this encouragement I hope to start the second part next week.

    Thanks again everyone.

    Comment by Will on February 3, 2010 @ 1:47 pm

  19. I really want more. Was this intended to end right there or is it possible you have more brewing to this story?

    Comment by Jackpot on February 3, 2010 @ 3:41 pm

  20. Alrighty Will, twas fantastic. It kept me in until the end and you managed to capture people very well. There was a generous amount of comedy. The characters were fantastic “Hoodie” “Heartattack” “Bowler” “Flight Attendant” and even “Daniel” clearly the most profound character =).

    There were however some errors in spelling/grammar. “as she pushed himself up of the controls” For example, besides these few mistakes the story was fantastic. Just make sure to check these things before you submit. Thanks for the time!

    Comment by Arator on February 3, 2010 @ 9:58 pm

  21. Oh you’re not honoured, don’t be daft, we’re all Zombie fans and writers on here.

    Believe me if its taking you a week to write and a week to clear up you are doing well!

    Get started on the next one!

    Comment by Pete Bevan on February 4, 2010 @ 2:05 am

  22. You will all, of course, completely ignore all of MY errors in my comments!

    Sheesh! Cannot believe I had that many problems. Maybe I should just refrain from typing any more.

    Or learn how.

    Comment by cdugger on February 4, 2010 @ 8:52 pm

  23. Fine writing, full of suspense. I look forward to your next.

    Comment by jfbranson on February 5, 2010 @ 1:25 am

  24. Totally awesome! I can’t wait for part 2.

    Comment by Liam on February 5, 2010 @ 10:12 pm

  25. Great story! Your account was vivid without being overly descriptive. I really appreciated the sense of reality you created with this tale.

    Comment by Cherry Darling on February 6, 2010 @ 8:19 am

  26. This was SO GOOD. =D I love stories that feature people realizing the dead are rising and figuring out how to survive.

    This was SO well done! Kudos!

    Comment by Christine on February 6, 2010 @ 10:20 am

  27. this is great , it sounds realy realistic unlike most zombie stories , top marks! please make more

    Comment by sam on February 6, 2010 @ 12:49 pm

  28. This was great. What a cliff hanger! Need more. Great job!

    Comment by Rob on February 8, 2010 @ 12:15 pm

  29. I would love to read the second part of this story, I hope it will be soon. This was very good. Thanks.

    Comment by Zoe on February 9, 2010 @ 8:42 am

  30. Wow that was brilliant!….I hope that you write some more!!..I really enjoyed it and found myself imagining it being a film!! The way you have described things really helps to picture every little detail in my head. Please keep going!!! (:

    Comment by ItsASecret on February 11, 2010 @ 12:43 pm

  31. lame…

    Comment by phil on February 11, 2010 @ 11:46 pm

  32. Good work. I like the suspense build up as they traveled into town. Also like too, how they came to the conclusion to fight it out. Sucks to be ina big town when this happens, but more options open that way as well. Keep working at it, and make sure to submit again.

    Comment by David Youngquist on February 12, 2010 @ 6:44 am

  33. I found this very intriguing. A very non-interactive story till the second part. Most of it was the emotions and actions of others. But you get to see his personality as the team leader of his game and real life shine.

    Continue with your story. Now it gets pretty in depth with what Daniel hast to do from here on out.

    Where does he go? How does he get there? Who betrays him? Who is an unsuspected ally?

    There are several possibilities as to where this can go. I hope to see more of your work soon.

    Comment by Neoaptt on February 13, 2010 @ 12:57 pm

  34. Wow! Great story!

    Comment by Lau on February 15, 2010 @ 5:25 am

  35. This is an wonderful story!! I can’t wait to see how much zombie butt Daniel and his troops kick!! You had me laughing out loud with some parts! This is a great start to a wonderful zombie story!! Great Work!! You Rock!!

    Comment by Jen on February 16, 2010 @ 7:45 pm

  36. WOW!!! Such an outstanding story!! You put just the right amount of intensity, terror and courage into those passengers!! Loved the story and cannot wait to read the next installment. Again, great job!!!

    Comment by Glen on February 17, 2010 @ 9:53 am

  37. Leave a comment

    Top Notch Will !!

    You’ve used the classic circular (saw) storyline, starting in the depths of semi-dream like early morning stupor, mixed with x-box phantasms, and, ended with a Terminal Nightmare! Good use of a fire extinguisher, hah, smokescreen.

    Get to work on part II asap, or, as soon as inspiration allows.

    Well Done

    Tony C

    Comment by Tony C on February 22, 2010 @ 3:10 pm

  38. Nicely done story, kept me biting my nails and waiting on the edge of my seat to see what happened. You are a very creative writer and you used a very good structure in this story. Can’t wait for the next!

    Comment by Nick G on February 24, 2010 @ 1:11 pm

  39. IT WAS GREAT!! i like the x box beginning, i thought the battle had already begun 🙂
    I’m ready for part 2. I like Virgil, or Hoodie!

    Comment by Clicint on February 25, 2010 @ 10:01 pm

  40. Great story, very entertaining!

    Comment by Brad on February 28, 2010 @ 7:06 pm

  41. Loved it loved it loved it. I’ve done that London train commute in the past and could picture that a scene at Waterloo Station. Great used of traditional British weaponry -the umbrella.

    Comment by Ben Grove on March 2, 2010 @ 4:56 am

  42. I really enjoyed the turn at the intro with the x-box. Also, you have a really solid voice throughout. I really liked the British feel.

    Comment by Drew Fuller on March 9, 2010 @ 11:18 am

  43. that was an amazing story dude

    Comment by anarchy112 on March 10, 2010 @ 10:38 am

  44. I really enjoyed that, very much. I loved it when hoodie said, “I don’t mean to be a cliche”. Very nice.

    However, I did notice a few spelling errors. Also, when one chap said, “we must be a hundred miles from the sea.” Actually in Britain you are never more than 70.2 miles away from the sea.

    As you can imagine though, neither of those things even remotley ruined it for me. Keep it up man.

    Comment by ScottB on May 14, 2010 @ 3:46 pm

  45. wow that was awesome hope for a second telling of what become of “Daniel’s Army”

    Comment by Josh on June 29, 2010 @ 2:27 am

  46. That was epic, the only thing I would say was the Hoodie was really common, but then came out with a couple of words that would suggest he was well-read. Other than that I loved it!

    Comment by Zombie_Hunter_6 on August 16, 2010 @ 1:06 pm

  47. Awesome! Of course I just read this since I just saw that the sequel was posted (which I haven’t read just yet).
    This story is one of the best that I’ve ready on here yet. I also liked the beginning where Daniel was playing the video game (was it Left 4 Dead)?
    It so happened that I was riding the train (BART) to work while I was reading this, so the story definitely creeped me out. I can’t wait to read Part 2…right now!

    Comment by funky_muzic on January 12, 2011 @ 2:08 pm

  48. Very funny, having done the commuter thing for a year or two just made it all the funnier. More deadly umbrellas please.

    Comment by Gear Jammer on April 5, 2012 @ 6:06 pm

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